Thursday, October 19, 2006

So you wanna marry my sister?

Published October 19, 2006

Michael- I heard through the grapevine that you want to marry my sister. There are a few things that I think you need to know before you ask her. Not that you asked me, but hey, you know this family, we have our noses in everything.

Tricia came into the world not waiting for anyone to deliver her. She wasn’t waiting for our mother, and she wasn’t waiting for any doctor, no, not her. She arrived on her own terms and made quite the entrance. So expect a lot of drama and adventure in your marriage. Not the bad kind, but the spontaneous kind. For instance…”Honey, I booked us this nice little adventure in the outback and we’re leaving tomorrow morning”, or “Merry Christmas, we are all going hiking in Tibet!” I know there is some crazy Southern European blood coursing through her veins, which is probably why she ended up with the mysterious brown eyes and great hair, so you have one wild woman on your hands, but let me tell you something, she’s all heart. If she loves you, it’ll be forever. So guard that heart with your life. We know where you live.

Some pointers, not that you need them… but make sure you take the lead in this relationship. You’ll want to be romantic because she is very romantic. Her happiness is in being with you and making a life with you. Be thoughtful because she is very thoughtful. Take care of her, because she cares so much for you. One of the things I most admire about you is that you have put God first in your relationship with my sister. That will sustain you both through the years as you build your life together. So in that regard, you are out of the ballpark. Good job.

It might be none of my bees wax, but when you ask her to marry you, be sentimental about it. She’ll love it, plus it garners all kinds of extra points with us. You see Michael, when you make our sister happy, you make the whole family happy…I’m not trying to go all Corleoni on you, but we’re watching you. Make that marriage proposal worth talking about at Christmas, because we’re all tired of talking about the Europe trip of ’83.

For the record, when you marry my sister, we’re family…blood and guts…until the end, which means that if we show up at the delivery room with the video camera and pizza, don’t be too offended. We’re pretty loud and we like a good party. We’re usually around for holidays, baptisms, weddings and funerals. We’re pretty good about potlucks, and we’re big on dessert. When it comes to the valleys of life, we’ll worry about you if you get sick and one or more of us will be on the internet trying to figure out the best course of treatment for you. If something really bad happens, we’re usually on our knees praying, and don’t be too alarmed as we tend to cry.

As you probably already know, my sister is eclectic. She loves nostalgia, old music, great coffee, fine wines, lazy days, good books, being in, near or close to the water, new projects, and shopping (ugh….sorry). She has great taste, great ideas, and a twisted sense of humor. She can be very opinionated. She’ll contribute more than she expects from your relationship, so try to keep up with her. She tends to pour herself out, so remember to fill her up frequently by stopping at Starbucks.

Most importantly, my sister loves you and your girls more than life itself. One thing I’ve learned about the women in my family through the years is that we don’t go down without a fight and we’d pretty much throw ourselves in front of a train if we knew it would save the family, so in case you were wondering, there’s no divorce in the family dictionary, just death. Finders-keepers buddy.

She’ll stand by you for your whole life, she’ll fill your house with joy and laughter and then she’ll redecorate. Be prepared for adventures in fine dining and weird films. She’ll make sure your children are well rounded in their education because she values education as much as she values family. She’ll grow with you in faith and as you grow old together, you will grow deeper in love because like you, she appreciates what she has found and she will treasure your marriage and your family.

Lastly, if you eat her ice cream or her chocolate, be very contrite or beware. Ok, Michael, now that know all of this, yes, you can marry my sister.

Tammy Maher is a resident of El Dorado Hills and bi-weekly columnist for the Mountain Democrat. You can reach her by email at or on the web at


Tom McGowan said...

This sounds like a great title for a TV sitcom. I'd put it right after "How I Met Your Mother" on CBS.(KOVR - Sacratomato and KPIX - Sansisco)

Just this blog alone could fill at least 2 and 1/2 seasons worth of shows.

Just think of the syndication rights and residuals! Oh man, if we only knew people that knew TV production......

Pope Benedict said...

Call me if you'd need me to officiate

Tammy Maher said...

Big Fat Greek Wedding, Moonstruck. It's all been done. I think.


Cher said...

I'd like to be in this production. I need the work.

Tom Hanks said...

I'd like to get in on this

Ron Howard said...

I'll direct this project, but my brother has to be in it.